i did my best to stay offline this past week, but i was also dealing with a sore wrist so i didn’t get as much done in the way of chores and creativity. the very first day i realized this was going to be the case this week, i recognized that internal judgement bubbling to the surface of my mind again. with my goal this week being self love, i knew that meant every aspect of myself. even the judgemental voice coming from within.
so i told that voice it was okay that we weren’t being productive this week, that, well, that was kind of the point. so i said to my wolf, what shall we do instead?
i know for some people self love includes grand gestures for themselves, and i want to be able to do that for myself one day. but right now, i’m battling an inability to do most things because i am so harsh on myself. so i’m working though this. today i painted my internal wolf, and gave him the respect that i deserve. respect and love are interchangeable i think. i’ve been able to openly communicate my needs with my partner while i navigate my internal self. i’m practicing self love in the form of no judgement every day now. it starts with myself doing it, recognizing it’s happening, accepting the feeling, and allowing myself to move past it. the wolf may snarl, his fur may stand up on his spine, but he’s laying comfortably at my feet now instead of trying to eat me. so that’s nice.
i wanted to talk a little about my approach with this painting, since it was quite different for me. i felt a lot of pressure for this painting because i’ve painted it the day of this exhibition, which is very unlike me. i saw myself wanting to give into the negative self talk and allow myself to believe i was incapable, but i reminded myself that today is about self love. so i just did what i wanted. no pressure. i began to clean up some emails, discovered my old livejournal, and began reading some old writing. i felt myself getting in touch with myself, and relaxing inside my head. i had my paints out and ready to go, and began putting water on the paper. i focused on my emotions, instead of my painting. i followed my brush to the pigment, the water, the paper. i didn’t question anything. once i was happy with the background layer, i stepped away from it for awhile while i let it dry. i came back to this blog post, which i began writing yesterday and knew i was gonna paint a wolf. i am really happy with how he turned out. the leaves at the top sort of mimic his ears which is cute.